I my head against the wall. For example, you

I am only responding because of what you sent me last night. Sending you this is the best way for me to be heard without interruption. Let me start with saying that I have not really put any kind of thought into the relationship because I had more important things to take care like my career and you were a major distraction.  Spending 10 hours at Mercy in a classroom alone over the past few weeks making sure I passed the most important test I will ever take in my life is more important than any fight that we could have. The mental toll this test took on me is no joke and you were just added to my stress levels which in reality was unnecessary and selfish on your part. So, I made the decision to go silent while I finished my test just based on how we got off the phone the last time we spoke. Silence is always the best move for me because you never understand me it is always about you and explaining it to you is just like banging my head against the wall. For example, you would not let me get off the phone because YOU needed to talk about how unhappy you were the relationship. Which is not a surprise you are unhappy you are always unhappy nothing pleases you. But the way I see it and the way I feel about it is why couldn’t it wait? Why couldn’t you just support me instead of giving me shit about every little thing? Why during the most important time in my career that I have to go through this? You should be a thing in my life to get away from stress not adding to it.  Yesterday I finally took the time to reflect on the relationship and figure out, what I want and what I do not want. The screenshots you sent me pissed me off because I am having my doubts about those very things. This is what I want in a relationship, I want harmony, I want to be able to be myself, I want to be able to express myself, I want support, I want loyalty, I want there to be understanding, I want somebody that is easy going, I want respect, I want my opinions taken into consideration, trust, and somebody who loves me for me. I do not want, pointless fighting, a selfish person, a me person, somebody who doesn’t let things go, somebody who plays games, somebody who wants to change me, controlling, uptight, and somebody who threatens me. In this relationship to me there is more bad than good. There are things that have been in my life way before you came into my life and those are the things want me to either change or cut back on which isn’t going to happen because they are harmless. When I have children that is when I will make changes to my life. Obviously if it was disrespectful to my partner I would stop doing it. For example, going out to a bar every weekend. I do not expect a person to strip their identity for me because that’s not healthy but at the same time if they do that’s on them not on me. A healthy relationship is when neither person is really trying to CONTROL or FIX the other person, the relationship is balanced, conflicts are dealt with head on and then DROPPED, feelings are shared honestly and openly, willing to put the relationship before themselves. I have shown these qualities, I do not control you or try to fix you, I try to keep the relationship as balanced as I can, I deal with fights and drop them I do not bring them up, I try to be honest with my feelings, and I put the relationship before myself. A few examples, I always say I will not do certain things if your around, I don’t bring up old fights, and if I was busy and you wanted to do something else I say go do it. On the other hand, you’ve said your trying to change and fix me, you constantly bring up old fights, you threaten me, when I share my feelings about a situation you shoot me down, you threaten to do things out of spite. You do put the relationship before yourself but than use it against me later. This is not healthy for me and I do not want it, it’s unfair with how you treat me in tough situations. I do not care about what other people say about you because they do not know you like I do.The last time we spoke on the phone you set me up you said, “if your tried it’s okay we don’t have to hangout tonight.” I said, “but I want to see you and then said you know what I am tried can we just do it another night.” You proceed to ask me how could you be tried and I am unhappy” To the point I lash out and say, “fine let’s just hang out its easier.” You didn’t care about what I was doing to make my living situation better so I can make more money and one day support a family. You wouldn’t even let me get off the phone and were trying to force me into a conversation rather than putting in on the back burner and threatening me in the process. You even said I was working slow on my test I took offence to that I don’t care if it’s a joke it was a bad joke. I do not care about how much you say you care your actions say otherwise. In the past few months the only time you supported me in my eyes was with Bubba but at the same time you didn’t because when he did pass away the way I handled my grief was an issue which is should not have been. You always say that you see me but I always see you and I don’t like what I see sometimes. Especially since we are talking about marriage this does not make me want to marry you because it just smells like disaster. At a time, that’s all I wanted and would have done anything for you. But just the way the last few months have gone its leaving me unsure and questioning if that is the type of life I want. I do not want a marriage like our relationship, I would be miserable and so will you. I want a marriage that is based on team work and love building an empire together. Allowing me to me and my partner to be them, I want a wife that will help support the family and not just be a stay at home mother. Obviously, there will be times where they have to be on maternity leave and other circumstances but they need to work the feeling to have to support a family on a teacher’s salary is just plain scary.Now I did shut off my location because it was ridiculous. You have to trust me when I tell you I am some where and in the past year I have proved myself that I have been places I said I would be I have shown loyalty and trustworthiness. You do not let things go and that’s your problem you never let me grow you always remind me of times I have made mistakes. Even the times I have been truthful there has been a problem. That’s not healthy. I am a good guy and a rare breed with flaws just like everyone else NO BODY is perfect you are just going to have to accept that it is part of life. “The truth is, no relationship is perfect.  But that’s okay because nobody’s perfect, either. Navigating your lover’s imperfections and learning how to accept them while setting and maintaining personal limits is a vital part of every healthy relationship.  You may be surprised to learn that a flaw or two (or even ten!) does not automatically spell disaster for your love story (Nobody’s Perfect: Accepting the Flaws in Your Healthy Relationship).” I don’t want to hear about what you got me from Christmas, it just reminds me that I do not have the money to pay for your gifts yet. Although that is very thoughtful of you and I appreciate it but gifts do not make a relationship and I am not just going to hide my true feelings to go to the Winter Classic. Lastly, your dad and I had great conversations what I told him was how I felt. The conversations we had are between us and I am not going to go on and spill the beans on what exactly we spoke about.With that said, you do not lift me up you shoot me down, over the course of the relationship you have steadily lowered my self of esteem. Which is tough to do since I am a very confident person who is comfortable in their own skin. I do not what that in my partner, I want a partner supporting me and being there for me. I will move mountains for my partner and put themselves before me. I did that for first year of our relationship you know exactly what that feels like. I do not ask for much I am very easy going and always focused on making things better but with us since nothing is every good enough for you its difficult to be easy going. For your information you can be easy going in a serious relationship. Not for nothing but I mentioned the balanced relationship but this isn’t balance you know EVERYTHNG about my past but I do not know a thing about yours that’s unbalanced and you use it as a tool against me to condition my behavior. You use the fact we haven’t had sex in a 2-year relationship as a tool to condition me, I don’t care for your words that you want to and you want tell me things your actions say otherwise. I do not care about what we have done in the relationship physically it is lacking something. Plus I didn’t like when you said “I am a relationship girl now” that is so selfish hurtful and uncalled for. I at least I have been silent and have not said anything . I have done nothing but respect you during this little hiatus I have taken. You’ve done nothing but not realize the reason why and you have decided to throw things in my face.I am not happy or pleased with the direction of the relationship. I am having doubts about being soulmates I am starting to think our differences are an issue and it will always be. I am not going to change and I am not asking you to change because that will lead to resentment. I was ready move mountains for you and be that guy but I have realized to be that guy I would have to change into a person I would not be able to look myself in the mirror and be truly happy. I would rather not talk on the phone only because it means a 4-hour phone conversation of going around in circles. I can honestly say 4 months ago I wouldn’t be able to say the things I have stated because I felt totally different. I was accepting you for you but once I felt that you weren’t going to do the same. I want to be loved for me not for who you want me to be or what you want me to be. If you can not love me for me than I do not want to continue this relationship.